The following are my brief points of view on the quotes in this years inaugural November 30th edition of Dr. Gary Chapman’s
“The Love Language Minutes” newsletter.
Speak Their Language
The need to feel loved by one’s spouse is at the heart of marital desires. I believe this need can be met in any marriage, if each of them will discover the primary love language of their spouse and speak it regularly. There are only five love languages. Your spouse desperately craves one of them. Make it your goal to discover it and speak it, and their love tank will be full.
This is the 3rd of a 4 part series where I am expressing my perspective on the love languages. I have on many occasions credited Dr. Gary Chapman as my inspiration for following my line of thinking in regards to emotional languages, however, I do belief that I have a more practical view in certain respects, especially considering that I use my own experiences as examples. I whole heartedly agree with Dr. Gary Chapman on the need to speak your partners’ primary love language, and note that I differentiate between partner & spouse. In speaking that love language it also must come very natural to you; otherwise you will not be able to consistently or effectively love your partner on an authentic level. It is my belief that before your partner can become your spouse, they must first become your most trusted “partner” in every sense of the word. And that is where my distinction takes root.
To be a partner in anyone’s journey, we must first have our own defined, or at minimum in some form of definition phase. Our own personal journey must then, in some form, compliment our partners before we can make a further commitment to that person. Even if our paths are complete opposites, thus providing diversity and excitement to the relationship, each person’s journey must be of service to each other, otherwise we risk a very non-natural & stressful form of living. Not to fret, if these considerations weren’t taken before you entered into your current relationship, whilst you still have breath in your lungs and a will to be loved, it’s never too late.
Once we have cleared this hurdle in a long term relationship, and in parallel to determining the coherence of our journeys, we must in our own natural state learn how to actively engage our partners through their primary love language. One word of caution; routine is the “go straight to jail/do not pass go & collect $200” card and spontaneity is the “get out of jail free” one in this game of monogamy. Therefore whilst crucial to understand and speak the primary love language, we must engage our partner through the diversity of all five love languages for maximum quality of life.
Finding your natural style of engaging your partners primary love language will require empathy & “a lost art” called listening. More than having compassion for someone, empathy is more about giving them the space to express themselves whilst not applying any judgment or presumption to their emotional state. The lost art of listening is much more than just “hearing” someone out, it’s being there in total service to that individual, picking up on body language, voice pitch and more of what is said non-verbally than what come out of their mouths.
Considering your own relationship, be it with your intimate partner or someone else, at what stage are you in engaging them in their primary love language?
Next weeks 4th and final article of this 4 part series will be "Love is Learned"