The Charminguy

Keeping your love tank full

I recently listened to NY based physiotherapist Karen Stark talk about, amongst other topics, men’s relationships with their mothers, and how it affects the relationship they’ll have with their partners.

In part, I have to agree with her that a strong and close relationship with our mothers tends to manifest the same relationship with our girlfriends and wives. However, let us not forget the other influencing factors in our lives as we grew up. How strong, loving & nurturing was our father? How did our friends feel about girls, and what was expected of us in order to stay within their close circle of trust? And what were our reactions to all of the above?

It’s just not as simple as stating that our relationship with our mom will represent our relationship with our partner. There are far too many factors at play that we have to understand if we are to find lasting relationships that work.

My viewpoint is that from the time we are born, we have a natural inclination to be close to our mother, so far so good. Then we’re expected to conform to society’s role model of a man as we may fear becoming a “momma’s boy”. So what do we do? We toughened-up, so much so, that we often distance ourselves from our generously loving self.

If you’re single & under 40 years old, maybe even under 32, you probably haven’t started to question why you’re still in the collection buisness of telephone numbers. But that day is soon around the corner, and maybe sooner than you think. If you’re in a relationship and just can’t figure out why it’s not what you expected, then maybe you should consider what’s missing.

Take people who in their mid 30’s & 40’s look to spirituality, physiotherapy or some level of self improvement to get them out of the downward spiral, or rut that they consistently find themselves in. Or those of us who hire a personal coach, maybe even a Dream Coach®, to help us regain the capacity to dream again. Isn’t it funny how we spend the second half of our lives trying to recapture the qualities we “desperately grew out of” during the first half? Why as grown-ups do we spend thousands of dollars learning to recapture our forgotten natural talents?

I’m generalizing of course and unless you’ve got some serious mental health issues, or come from a severely dysfunctional upbringing, a good long chat, some self questioning, an open mind, and an open heart will get you more than half way back home.

Look inside yourself and reflect on when you were the happiest in your life. What was it that you were doing? What filled you with joy? What’s keeping you from being that way again? That’s step one.


Now look at the decisions you’ve made along the road to becoming what you are today. Were they all your first choices? Were you being, and becoming what you wanted to be? Or what someone else expected you to be? Are you happy with the results? What are you lacking and still trying to connect with? Well you’re all grown up now and your happiness is no longer anyone else’s responsibility but your own. Take control of your destiny! That’s step two.

Is the relationship you’re in the one you dreamed of? If it is then be grateful and express it by reminding her of how special it is. If it’s not, what needs adjusting? Focus on your reality and adjust it to the dream, rather than adjusting the dream to your reality. This could mean a lot of hard work! So what! Isn’t your happiness worth it? Rebuild, renovate, start over or scrap it. Just figure out what is fair for the two of you, but take action. That’s step three.

With these three steps you’re back on the road to being what you were meant to be, wonderfully happy and having an awesomely loving relationship with your counterpart!

Views: 8

Comment by Silvina on October 16, 2007 at 11:26pm
Uff.. too much thinking!!!

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